Opening wounds on my heart that I thought were long gone

Okay, I know it's been almost four years and it's still bothering me. Guess it's my inability to let things go. More than that, I think it's the fact that I never addressed the problem, so it was that much harder to get over it. You can't get over something you don't acknowledge exists in the first place. I don't know why I stayed quiet. I don't know why I never said anything to anyone. It wasn't like there was anyone to protect. No one tried to protect me, so I don't know why I chose to just sit back and do nothing. For the first four years of my college experience, I was deeply involved in Campus Outreach. I went to all the meetings, I was in a D-Group, and when summer rolled around, I was active either at Beach Project or on CCP. I was a very active member. Any time CO had something going, I was there. Yet...I never really felt like I fully belonged. I guess it was because I was already a Christian going into the whole ministry and I was pretty solid in my faith. They didn't feel like they needed to "save" me. I always felt like I hovered on the outskirts of the group. Then I came back from a summer in Johannesburg and my entire life fell apart. I was told, in so many words, that I couldn't be part of a discipleship group. In CO terms, that's the kiss of death. No involvement in a D-Group meant you were pretty much being kicked out of the ministry. I had no idea why. I mean, hadn't I done everything I was supposed to do? I was at every meeting, I learned how to share my testimony, I went on Beach Project twice. I was at a loss to figure it out. The fall after I got home was probably the hardest I've ever been through. I mean, this ministry had been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, it was hard to let go. Looking back, it was a time in my life where I needed to move on. Even if I went kicking and screaming, CO had served its purpose in my life and it was time to do different things. It hurt like crazy, but I distanced myself from the ministry. The thing that hurt the worst, and still hurts to this day, was that nobody came looking for me. All these "friends" I thought I had made through the ministry, these friends that told me they loved me, they all pretty much disappeared with the exception of a very few. Even to this day, there are people I haven't spoken to in four years who told me to my face that I meant a lot in their lives. Isn't having Christian friendships supposed to be about being there through the hard stuff? That's what broke my heart, the people who didn't care. I dropped out of their lives suddenly and no one even noticed. Even writing this now, with four years behind me, it still brings tears to my eyes. And I've never even addressed this to anyone aloud until this very moment. For a long time, I was angry. I was angry at the CO ministry at Augusta State and those in leadership. I was angry at these people who claimed to love me that abandoned me when I needed them the most. I was angry at people who called themselves Christians only to treat people like I didn't matter. I prayed A LOT about it and I've come to several conclusions. First of all, CO did grow me as a Christian in many ways. I learned so much about studying the Bible and having an effective prayer life that I never would have known otherwise. These are things I still utilize today. Second, being pushed out of the ministry paved the way for me to look in other places for my own ministry. God led me to the youth group and thus to my future. I may have never figured out my passion for impacting teenagers without being forced to look for a new plan. And I love what I do now. Third, the Lord has taught me that relying on other people for purpose and fulfillment in this life will only lead to disappointment. Jesus Christ is the only thing I can truly depend on. I didn't understand the strength He could give me until I needed to stand on my own feet. So, yes, it hurt me very deeply and it was something I glossed over for a really long time, but in retrospect, I see what a positive impact the whole situation left on my life. The only reason I'm bringing it back up now is because I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to spend my life in hiding. When I hurt, I want people to understand why instead of being so scared all the time. Guess my life really has become an open book.