When the music fades and all is stripped away...

A few weeks ago, I agreed to do a Bible study with the women at my church. To the outside world, that seems like no big deal. I mean, what kind of mature Christian woman would not want to participate in a study that was designed to create depth in my relationship with Christ? Hello?!? But I had my reservations. In Bible studies like these, we are encouraged to be real with each other, to be ourselves. Nothing could scare me more. I don't do vulnerability. I have worked very hard to create a wall around my heart and it's not something that can easily be destroyed. One of my biggest fears is being transparent to people. Then they can see the things inside of me that I'm not so proud of, things I would prefer to keep to myself. My private life is just that, private. It's mine. It belongs to me and no one else. It's very rarely that I let people in, to see the real me. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, why being open to people is so terrifying. I can't pinpoint it to any one occurrence. It seems ironic because I'm constantly encouraging the teen girls in my Sunday school class to be as open as possible, to be transparent to their sisters in Christ. I'm like a walking contradiction. But I guess that dates back to the old saying "Easier said than done." As I was doing my work for my Bible study this week, I noticed some of the questions are deeply personal. And this is only the first week! It's just going to get a lot harder. And then I have to go to weekly meetings and open myself up to these ladies. And, I promise, this has nothing to do with them. This issue has everything to do with me. I just live so far inside my own little world that it's hard for me to come out of it. Maybe because I feel like it will hurt too much. If I talk about things in my past, if I bring up old wounds, then I will have to come to terms with some hard feelings. It's so easy for me to just bury those feelings and pretend they don't exist. It's so easy for me to fake it. I think I've just been doing it too long to really notice. I'm good at pretending. I'm good at listening to others talk about their problems. I'm good at giving my opinion. But you know what I truly suck at? Talking to others about my issues. I HATE being vulnerable. Hate it with a passion. That's probably why my friendships are lacking. I have a handful of close friends, but I don't really have a best friend. I don't have a friend I talk to when something happens in my life that tears me apart. The closest thing I have to that would be my mom. Though I don't always tell her everything, I tell her enough. I guess maybe because I figure she has to love me, despite my shortcomings. To her, it doesn't matter how much I mess up or how screwed up I am on the inside. I'm her daughter and she loves me anyway. I know I should let other people be that in my life. There are people out there who love me and want to be there for me. I don't give them enough credit. But, like I said, this isn't their fault. It's mine. But I guess not everyone can be an open book. Sometimes people are just closed off, preferring to deal with their problems on their own, with no help from the outside world. That's definitely me. But...sometimes I wish I was a little more at ease with opening up, sometimes I wish there was someone who I could talk to when I need to vent. Sometimes I wish I had a best friend. Okay, that's enough of the secrets today. I feel like I've already broken one of my strongest cardinal rules. I can turn off the babble faucet now. Huh. Guess it seems weird that I would choose to disclose all this information in virtually an open letter to the world. Oh well. I guess any way is a good way.