Opening wounds on my heart that I thought were long gone

Okay, I know it's been almost four years and it's still bothering me. Guess it's my inability to let things go. More than that, I think it's the fact that I never addressed the problem, so it was that much harder to get over it. You can't get over something you don't acknowledge exists in the first place. I don't know why I stayed quiet. I don't know why I never said anything to anyone. It wasn't like there was anyone to protect. No one tried to protect me, so I don't know why I chose to just sit back and do nothing. For the first four years of my college experience, I was deeply involved in Campus Outreach. I went to all the meetings, I was in a D-Group, and when summer rolled around, I was active either at Beach Project or on CCP. I was a very active member. Any time CO had something going, I was there. Yet...I never really felt like I fully belonged. I guess it was because I was already a Christian going into the whole ministry and I was pretty solid in my faith. They didn't feel like they needed to "save" me. I always felt like I hovered on the outskirts of the group. Then I came back from a summer in Johannesburg and my entire life fell apart. I was told, in so many words, that I couldn't be part of a discipleship group. In CO terms, that's the kiss of death. No involvement in a D-Group meant you were pretty much being kicked out of the ministry. I had no idea why. I mean, hadn't I done everything I was supposed to do? I was at every meeting, I learned how to share my testimony, I went on Beach Project twice. I was at a loss to figure it out. The fall after I got home was probably the hardest I've ever been through. I mean, this ministry had been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, it was hard to let go. Looking back, it was a time in my life where I needed to move on. Even if I went kicking and screaming, CO had served its purpose in my life and it was time to do different things. It hurt like crazy, but I distanced myself from the ministry. The thing that hurt the worst, and still hurts to this day, was that nobody came looking for me. All these "friends" I thought I had made through the ministry, these friends that told me they loved me, they all pretty much disappeared with the exception of a very few. Even to this day, there are people I haven't spoken to in four years who told me to my face that I meant a lot in their lives. Isn't having Christian friendships supposed to be about being there through the hard stuff? That's what broke my heart, the people who didn't care. I dropped out of their lives suddenly and no one even noticed. Even writing this now, with four years behind me, it still brings tears to my eyes. And I've never even addressed this to anyone aloud until this very moment. For a long time, I was angry. I was angry at the CO ministry at Augusta State and those in leadership. I was angry at these people who claimed to love me that abandoned me when I needed them the most. I was angry at people who called themselves Christians only to treat people like I didn't matter. I prayed A LOT about it and I've come to several conclusions. First of all, CO did grow me as a Christian in many ways. I learned so much about studying the Bible and having an effective prayer life that I never would have known otherwise. These are things I still utilize today. Second, being pushed out of the ministry paved the way for me to look in other places for my own ministry. God led me to the youth group and thus to my future. I may have never figured out my passion for impacting teenagers without being forced to look for a new plan. And I love what I do now. Third, the Lord has taught me that relying on other people for purpose and fulfillment in this life will only lead to disappointment. Jesus Christ is the only thing I can truly depend on. I didn't understand the strength He could give me until I needed to stand on my own feet. So, yes, it hurt me very deeply and it was something I glossed over for a really long time, but in retrospect, I see what a positive impact the whole situation left on my life. The only reason I'm bringing it back up now is because I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to spend my life in hiding. When I hurt, I want people to understand why instead of being so scared all the time. Guess my life really has become an open book.

When the music fades and all is stripped away...

A few weeks ago, I agreed to do a Bible study with the women at my church. To the outside world, that seems like no big deal. I mean, what kind of mature Christian woman would not want to participate in a study that was designed to create depth in my relationship with Christ? Hello?!? But I had my reservations. In Bible studies like these, we are encouraged to be real with each other, to be ourselves. Nothing could scare me more. I don't do vulnerability. I have worked very hard to create a wall around my heart and it's not something that can easily be destroyed. One of my biggest fears is being transparent to people. Then they can see the things inside of me that I'm not so proud of, things I would prefer to keep to myself. My private life is just that, private. It's mine. It belongs to me and no one else. It's very rarely that I let people in, to see the real me. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, why being open to people is so terrifying. I can't pinpoint it to any one occurrence. It seems ironic because I'm constantly encouraging the teen girls in my Sunday school class to be as open as possible, to be transparent to their sisters in Christ. I'm like a walking contradiction. But I guess that dates back to the old saying "Easier said than done." As I was doing my work for my Bible study this week, I noticed some of the questions are deeply personal. And this is only the first week! It's just going to get a lot harder. And then I have to go to weekly meetings and open myself up to these ladies. And, I promise, this has nothing to do with them. This issue has everything to do with me. I just live so far inside my own little world that it's hard for me to come out of it. Maybe because I feel like it will hurt too much. If I talk about things in my past, if I bring up old wounds, then I will have to come to terms with some hard feelings. It's so easy for me to just bury those feelings and pretend they don't exist. It's so easy for me to fake it. I think I've just been doing it too long to really notice. I'm good at pretending. I'm good at listening to others talk about their problems. I'm good at giving my opinion. But you know what I truly suck at? Talking to others about my issues. I HATE being vulnerable. Hate it with a passion. That's probably why my friendships are lacking. I have a handful of close friends, but I don't really have a best friend. I don't have a friend I talk to when something happens in my life that tears me apart. The closest thing I have to that would be my mom. Though I don't always tell her everything, I tell her enough. I guess maybe because I figure she has to love me, despite my shortcomings. To her, it doesn't matter how much I mess up or how screwed up I am on the inside. I'm her daughter and she loves me anyway. I know I should let other people be that in my life. There are people out there who love me and want to be there for me. I don't give them enough credit. But, like I said, this isn't their fault. It's mine. But I guess not everyone can be an open book. Sometimes people are just closed off, preferring to deal with their problems on their own, with no help from the outside world. That's definitely me. But...sometimes I wish I was a little more at ease with opening up, sometimes I wish there was someone who I could talk to when I need to vent. Sometimes I wish I had a best friend. Okay, that's enough of the secrets today. I feel like I've already broken one of my strongest cardinal rules. I can turn off the babble faucet now. Huh. Guess it seems weird that I would choose to disclose all this information in virtually an open letter to the world. Oh well. I guess any way is a good way.

Get on the floor and do the New Kids dance

Okay. So I'm aware that when I told people I had tickets to go see the New Kids on the Block reunion tour in Greenville, they probably thought I was pretty lame. Some even told me to my face. "The New Kids are old," they told me. "The concert is probably going to suck." Nevertheless, I was excited. Someone offered me tickets and I took them without hesitation. I called my cousin, Shanon, as soon as I found out to see if she wanted to go with me. Her response "Uh...yeah!" So went it. I was a little worried my friends were going to be right and it was going to be lame. After, the New Kids aren't exactly teenagers anymore. They're almost in their forties. I figured they'd sing a lot of their old songs and we'd reminisce. I was way wrong. They put on an amazing concert. It totally exceeded my expectations. Shanon and I were on our feet, screaming like 12-year-old girls all night long. We even staked out the tour buses after the show in the off-chance that they'd ask us to go on tour with them. It was one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Highlight of this year, definitely. Even more than that, they had an awesome opening act. The Jabbawockeez, of America's Best Dance Crew fame, were there and totally rocked the house. Their routine made me want to learn how to spin on my head. I always thought those dance moves were altered via television magic, but they are 100% real. I loved every minute of it. Then the New Kids took the stage and I suddenly forgot how old I was. They sang plenty of their old songs and threw in a few new songs in the mix. I was very impressed and just might have to go to another NKOTB concert in the near future.

Leaving the Nest

I've been doing a lot of examining my life lately. I'll be graduating (finally!) in a little over a year and then I'll be thrust into the world of adulthood. So I'm starting to think about what that means and how my life is going to change. Okay, apart from the obvious-I'll have to get a real job and move out of my parents' house-my life is going to be completely turned upside down. Especially since I'm already planning my exodus from this city as soon as the diploma is in my hands. The plan is to apply to the Boards of Education in and around the Atlanta area and pray something opens up. That means, "Bye-bye, Augusta. Hello, new city!" My parents aren't big fans of this plan. If my dad had his way, I would work safely in a Columbia County school and stay living in the same bedroom I've lived in since I was five-years-old. If my mom had her way, I would get married to some guy she approves of and have grandchildren while living within walking distance. Neither one of them are too happy to hear of my own plan to hit the ground running as soon as I graduate. It's not that I'm planning to leave Augusta because I want to get away from my parents. That couldn't be further from the truth. I lucked out in the parental department. My parents are two of the most amazing people on the planet. I count my lucky stars the Lord gave me such a wonderful set of parents to be raised by. The reason I want to leave Augusta is because I think this city has given me everything it can. I feel like there's nothing left for me here. I want to truly stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life. I am a fiercely independent person by nature, but it's hard to see how independent I can truly be when my parents are a phone call away. My dad changes the oil in my car, pays my cell phone bill, and does my taxes. My mom cooks dinner for me, folds my laundry, and buys my clothes. In a word, I'm kind of spoiled. I've never really thought of myself as spoiled before. I've always thought that spoiled girls were the kind of girls on MTV's My Sweet Sixteen. You know, the girls living in these huge houses with a brand-new luxury car and Daddy's credit card in their Coach purses. That is so not me. I grew up in the south side of town, referred to "South Augusta," which comes with its own negative connotation. My parents aren't wealthy...well, monetarily anyway. But I am slightly spoiled. In the fact that I can't cook and I have no idea how to change a tire. Why should I have to? My parents have always provided for me in those ways. That is exactly why I want to head to a new city after I graduate. So I can stretch my wings and learn what true independence is. So I can make my own mistakes and have to clean up my own mess. The summers I spent in Daytona on Beach Project and in South Africa on CCP have given me a glimpse into what my life could like once I move out and have my own life. It's exciting. Okay, yes, it's a little scary, but isn't that what life is all about? The exciting paired with the scary? I'm sure it won't be easy and I might not be as positive about this plan the closer it gets, but I'm confident I have someone on my side who will get me there: the Lord. God has plans for me, "to prosper [me] and not to harm [me], to give [me] hope and a future." God is preparing a way for me and even if I do pack up and head to Atlanta in the near future, He's going to protect me. Because that's what He promised. 

What True Love Really Is

I must air my grievances about tonight's episode of The Bachelor. It was the season finale and, while it should have been a celebration of an engagement, the happiness quickly wore off and left me depressed and angry. On the "After the Final Rose" special, Jason decided to dump Melissa on NATIONAL TELEVISION and chose the other girl. Although Melissa was my favorite from the very beginning, I really didn't care who he chose. I liked Molly, too. I thought either girl would be a great fit and Jason would have been a lucky guy. I am, however, incredibly put-off about how the events happened. Okay, so I read the blogs and watched the videos Reality Steve made. I knew well in advance what was going to happen. That doesn't mean that it sat well with me. Here's the gist: Jason chose Melissa during the finale and then dumped her six weeks later to give it a go with Molly. What I am truly upset about is why Jason chose to do this on national television. They kept saying how they kept the set intimate because of the "sensitive nature of the events". Okay, then why show it to 15 million people around the country? The guy should be ashamed of himself. Word on the street is that it was always Molly, but the producers of the show thought Melissa would be the better story. I heard they paid Jason to pick Melissa, only to break up with her for Molly later. If that's the truth, he's scum and so are the producers of The Bachelor. It just goes to show that what the world thinks is real love is just an illusion, a myth. True love is constant, never changing. The world thinks they can bottle up real love and sell it on reality television. The only real love this world needs is the Father. God is the only true love there is. And when He has His hand in your life and your marriage, that's when you'll have your happy ending.

Snow Day

This is the difference of living in Georgia: just the slightest chance of winter weather and we're cleaning out our grocery stores and canceling school the next day. I can't remember the last time Richmond County actually experienced snow that stuck and got us out of school. I think I was in high school. The entire city iced over just a few years ago and that earned us some days off. My house lost power and we had to move in with my grandparents for a few days. That's as bad as it gets around here. Come summertime we're sweltering because of the humidity and come winter we're crossing our fingers praying for a miracle. It makes me laugh. No matter how many times we've been disappointed during the cold season, no matter how many times the weatherman has promised snow that doesn't show up, we still think it will happen and are truly let down when it doesn't. Tonight looks like the closest we've been in awhile. Schools are already beginning making announcements. The weatherman promises snow and ice after midnight. I guess we'll wait and see.