Vulnerability

I don't do vulnerability. If there is anything I run from the most, it's becoming transparent to people. There are very few people who really know me. I don't really know why I put such a huge wall up around my heart. There isn't some tragic story in my past that I'm still healing from. I'm just an extremely private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. I tend to keep things bottled up inside and handle them myself. I know it's not the healthiest thing to do, but I can't be more than I am. It seems to be getting worse the older I get. Each day that passes, I seem to become more and more hardened to people trying to penetrate the shell. I guess I feel like if I slip, even a fraction of the way, my heart is exposed. And I can't deal with heartbreak. My mom tells me all the time I'm too closed off. That maybe if I let my guard down something amazing would happen to me. And yeah, maybe she's right. But what if? What if I let my guard down and I get hurt? Okay, okay. I know that heartbreak is a part of life. I know that everyone deals with pain at some point in their lives, so what is so scary about it? I can't really explain it. Sometimes I think I feel things differently than most people. I feel things deeper, more passionately than others. I guess it's the writer in me. I'm constantly looking for a story, trying to tie things together. My writing is tied to my emotions. And it's funny, no one ever gets to read the things I write. I have tons and tons of stuff, but only a few people ever get to see them. Why? It all goes back to the vulnerability thing. When I write, I put my whole heart into it. I lay everything out there. And if someone were to read it, my heart would be exposed. Even now, writing this, I keep writing and re-writing. I don't want to say too much, but I'm tired of keeping quiet. There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head and I want to sort it all out. The new year starts in two days. My resolution for 2009 is to be more open to people. My profile reads "My life is an open book." I want that to be true. I want people to know me, the real me, the me only those closest to me really know. So that's why I'm doing this, why I'm putting my entire life for the whole world to see. Because I'm tired of being hidden, of being scared, of being guarded from everyone and everything around me. Life is very short and I don't want to have any regrets.