In Limbo

So I got some pretty crappy news at the beginning of November. I missed the deadline for an important test and it just may cost me an entire semester. It was a huge blow to my educational future. I graduated from high school in 2002. Tomorrow it will be 2009. I should have graduated from college three years ago. It's kind of embarrassing to still be working on it. Granted some of the circumstances were beyond my control. I've had knee surgery twice that kept me down for two whole semesters. It just...it's so close. Only a few more semesters and I'm done. I can finally move on with my life. And then I found out about the missed deadline. It was the only thing missing from my application to the Teacher Education program. And that one little test grade cost me in a major way. It wasn't something I could have helped. At the time of the deadline, my brother was having health issues and I was wrapped up in family drama. I've filed an appeal, but there's no guarantee it will work. I got a letter the other day that basically told me not to hold my breath. So for the next few weeks, I'm in limbo, which isn't a place I'm thrilled to be. I hate that I don't know what I'm taking next semester. Ask anyone who knows me and they can attest to how organized I like to be. I'm just so very ready to be finished. I'm ready to move on with the next part of my life. I feel so stuck. I can't move on until I get my degree. I can't get my degree until this matter is cleared up. Ugh. I know that God has a reason for all of this. He's crafting my life in His own way and He will make my paths straight. It's just hard to keep a smile on my face when what I want falls just beyond my reach. I just have to keep faith. The Lord never promised life would be easy. He only said we wouldn't have to do it alone. So while everyone has their problems, God promised He would never leave us or forsake us. That's the promise I have to cling to.

You Are Good

I'm the type of person who is very affected by song lyrics. When I hear certain songs, sometimes the words touch my soul. Then I go straight to iTunes, download the song, and proceed to listen to it non-stop until the song comes and speaks to my heart. This song is one that was recommended to me to sing in church. I listened to it once and I was hooked. Every word is completely true. Even when the world seems dark and pointless, God is still good and He is still holding my life in his hands.

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes,

You are good, so good.

In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay,

You are good, so good.

With every breath I take in,

I'll tell You I'm grateful again.

When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight,

You are good.

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned

You are good, so good.

And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand

You are so good.

With every breath I take in,

I'll tell You I'm grateful again.

'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved 

And You are good.

So how can I thank You?

What can I bring?

What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king?

So I'll sing You a love song,

It's all that I have

To tell You I'm grateful

For hold my life in Your hands.

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul,

You are still good.

When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay,

You are still good.

With every breath I take in,

I'll tell You I'm grateful again.

And the storm may swell even then it is well

And You are good.

So how can I thank You?

What can I bring?

What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king?

So I'll sing You a love song

It's all that I have

To tell You I'm grateful

For holding my life in Your hands.

You are holding my life in Your hands.

The Fab Four

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"For from Him, and to Him, and through Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever." Romans 11:36

Because I couldn't have said it any better than that. Jesus Christ is at the center of it all.

Vulnerability

I don't do vulnerability. If there is anything I run from the most, it's becoming transparent to people. There are very few people who really know me. I don't really know why I put such a huge wall up around my heart. There isn't some tragic story in my past that I'm still healing from. I'm just an extremely private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. I tend to keep things bottled up inside and handle them myself. I know it's not the healthiest thing to do, but I can't be more than I am. It seems to be getting worse the older I get. Each day that passes, I seem to become more and more hardened to people trying to penetrate the shell. I guess I feel like if I slip, even a fraction of the way, my heart is exposed. And I can't deal with heartbreak. My mom tells me all the time I'm too closed off. That maybe if I let my guard down something amazing would happen to me. And yeah, maybe she's right. But what if? What if I let my guard down and I get hurt? Okay, okay. I know that heartbreak is a part of life. I know that everyone deals with pain at some point in their lives, so what is so scary about it? I can't really explain it. Sometimes I think I feel things differently than most people. I feel things deeper, more passionately than others. I guess it's the writer in me. I'm constantly looking for a story, trying to tie things together. My writing is tied to my emotions. And it's funny, no one ever gets to read the things I write. I have tons and tons of stuff, but only a few people ever get to see them. Why? It all goes back to the vulnerability thing. When I write, I put my whole heart into it. I lay everything out there. And if someone were to read it, my heart would be exposed. Even now, writing this, I keep writing and re-writing. I don't want to say too much, but I'm tired of keeping quiet. There are too many thoughts swirling around in my head and I want to sort it all out. The new year starts in two days. My resolution for 2009 is to be more open to people. My profile reads "My life is an open book." I want that to be true. I want people to know me, the real me, the me only those closest to me really know. So that's why I'm doing this, why I'm putting my entire life for the whole world to see. Because I'm tired of being hidden, of being scared, of being guarded from everyone and everything around me. Life is very short and I don't want to have any regrets.

Why Not?

If I'm being honest, I'm not really that interesting. I'm actually quite the nerd. But everyone seems to be jumping onto the blog bandwagon, so I figured "Why not?" I've always been a very closed-off person. No one ever really knows what's going on inside my head. So publishing what is basically an open letter to the world scares me. It's a way for me to let my guard down. 2009 is rapidly approaching, so I'm thinking it's time to turn over a new leaf. A new Erin will be born. My 2008 wasn't that great. I had some family issues to deal with and then some personal stuff to sort through. So it's safe to say I'm ready for a change. A big one. Something that will rock my face off. I figure starting a blog is another chance to create a change. So here it is, my first post. If you're still reading, thank you. I tend to ramble a lot. I'm a writer at heart, so my words tend to pour out really fast. And my blogs always end up longer than they should be. Oh well. This is a trial-and-error process. Let the games begin.