Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've been given a major dose of reality this week. It kind of snuck up on me without me even realizing it. A lot of big changes in my life as I know it are coming in the next few months and I'm not sure I'm quite prepared for them. I'm actually having to make adult decisions. Gulp. Today was the hardest of all. I had to let go of a huge part of my life. I've been a nanny to two little girls for the past seven years. Over the years, they've become part of my life, almost like my own children. I can't imagine my life without seeing them. Today was my last official day with them. I cried all the way home. I'm not upset because I quit my job. I don't care about the money. I'm upset because I feel like I'm having to let go of my children. How am I supposed to say good-bye to them? It's not like I won't see them again. I know I will, but it's not the same. Going from seeing someone every single day and knowing every detail of their life to seeing them only a handful of days a month and losing touch really sucks. It makes the process of growing up very real. I had to quit my job in order to graduate next year. I can't go into my Apprenticeship in January holding down two jobs. Since both of them conflict with it, I had to quit both jobs. Which means no money for nearly a year. Which means the next job I apply for will be a full-time teaching job. Which means I won't even recognize the life I have now in a few months. I don't do well with change. Ask anyone who knows me. I barely rearrange furniture in my room because I hate change. I am perfectly content doing the same thing over and over. The funny thing is, I keep saying I want to leave Augusta and do the adult thing on my own, but as it gets closer and closer, I feel my resolve shifting. I would be perfectly happy living in my parents' home, keeping the girls, and continuing my education forever. Being an adult kind of sucks. How did I get here? And how do I make it stop?

Opening wounds on my heart that I thought were long gone

Okay, I know it's been almost four years and it's still bothering me. Guess it's my inability to let things go. More than that, I think it's the fact that I never addressed the problem, so it was that much harder to get over it. You can't get over something you don't acknowledge exists in the first place. I don't know why I stayed quiet. I don't know why I never said anything to anyone. It wasn't like there was anyone to protect. No one tried to protect me, so I don't know why I chose to just sit back and do nothing. For the first four years of my college experience, I was deeply involved in Campus Outreach. I went to all the meetings, I was in a D-Group, and when summer rolled around, I was active either at Beach Project or on CCP. I was a very active member. Any time CO had something going, I was there. Yet...I never really felt like I fully belonged. I guess it was because I was already a Christian going into the whole ministry and I was pretty solid in my faith. They didn't feel like they needed to "save" me. I always felt like I hovered on the outskirts of the group. Then I came back from a summer in Johannesburg and my entire life fell apart. I was told, in so many words, that I couldn't be part of a discipleship group. In CO terms, that's the kiss of death. No involvement in a D-Group meant you were pretty much being kicked out of the ministry. I had no idea why. I mean, hadn't I done everything I was supposed to do? I was at every meeting, I learned how to share my testimony, I went on Beach Project twice. I was at a loss to figure it out. The fall after I got home was probably the hardest I've ever been through. I mean, this ministry had been such a huge part of my life for such a long time, it was hard to let go. Looking back, it was a time in my life where I needed to move on. Even if I went kicking and screaming, CO had served its purpose in my life and it was time to do different things. It hurt like crazy, but I distanced myself from the ministry. The thing that hurt the worst, and still hurts to this day, was that nobody came looking for me. All these "friends" I thought I had made through the ministry, these friends that told me they loved me, they all pretty much disappeared with the exception of a very few. Even to this day, there are people I haven't spoken to in four years who told me to my face that I meant a lot in their lives. Isn't having Christian friendships supposed to be about being there through the hard stuff? That's what broke my heart, the people who didn't care. I dropped out of their lives suddenly and no one even noticed. Even writing this now, with four years behind me, it still brings tears to my eyes. And I've never even addressed this to anyone aloud until this very moment. For a long time, I was angry. I was angry at the CO ministry at Augusta State and those in leadership. I was angry at these people who claimed to love me that abandoned me when I needed them the most. I was angry at people who called themselves Christians only to treat people like I didn't matter. I prayed A LOT about it and I've come to several conclusions. First of all, CO did grow me as a Christian in many ways. I learned so much about studying the Bible and having an effective prayer life that I never would have known otherwise. These are things I still utilize today. Second, being pushed out of the ministry paved the way for me to look in other places for my own ministry. God led me to the youth group and thus to my future. I may have never figured out my passion for impacting teenagers without being forced to look for a new plan. And I love what I do now. Third, the Lord has taught me that relying on other people for purpose and fulfillment in this life will only lead to disappointment. Jesus Christ is the only thing I can truly depend on. I didn't understand the strength He could give me until I needed to stand on my own feet. So, yes, it hurt me very deeply and it was something I glossed over for a really long time, but in retrospect, I see what a positive impact the whole situation left on my life. The only reason I'm bringing it back up now is because I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to spend my life in hiding. When I hurt, I want people to understand why instead of being so scared all the time. Guess my life really has become an open book.

When the music fades and all is stripped away...

A few weeks ago, I agreed to do a Bible study with the women at my church. To the outside world, that seems like no big deal. I mean, what kind of mature Christian woman would not want to participate in a study that was designed to create depth in my relationship with Christ? Hello?!? But I had my reservations. In Bible studies like these, we are encouraged to be real with each other, to be ourselves. Nothing could scare me more. I don't do vulnerability. I have worked very hard to create a wall around my heart and it's not something that can easily be destroyed. One of my biggest fears is being transparent to people. Then they can see the things inside of me that I'm not so proud of, things I would prefer to keep to myself. My private life is just that, private. It's mine. It belongs to me and no one else. It's very rarely that I let people in, to see the real me. I don't know what I'm so afraid of, why being open to people is so terrifying. I can't pinpoint it to any one occurrence. It seems ironic because I'm constantly encouraging the teen girls in my Sunday school class to be as open as possible, to be transparent to their sisters in Christ. I'm like a walking contradiction. But I guess that dates back to the old saying "Easier said than done." As I was doing my work for my Bible study this week, I noticed some of the questions are deeply personal. And this is only the first week! It's just going to get a lot harder. And then I have to go to weekly meetings and open myself up to these ladies. And, I promise, this has nothing to do with them. This issue has everything to do with me. I just live so far inside my own little world that it's hard for me to come out of it. Maybe because I feel like it will hurt too much. If I talk about things in my past, if I bring up old wounds, then I will have to come to terms with some hard feelings. It's so easy for me to just bury those feelings and pretend they don't exist. It's so easy for me to fake it. I think I've just been doing it too long to really notice. I'm good at pretending. I'm good at listening to others talk about their problems. I'm good at giving my opinion. But you know what I truly suck at? Talking to others about my issues. I HATE being vulnerable. Hate it with a passion. That's probably why my friendships are lacking. I have a handful of close friends, but I don't really have a best friend. I don't have a friend I talk to when something happens in my life that tears me apart. The closest thing I have to that would be my mom. Though I don't always tell her everything, I tell her enough. I guess maybe because I figure she has to love me, despite my shortcomings. To her, it doesn't matter how much I mess up or how screwed up I am on the inside. I'm her daughter and she loves me anyway. I know I should let other people be that in my life. There are people out there who love me and want to be there for me. I don't give them enough credit. But, like I said, this isn't their fault. It's mine. But I guess not everyone can be an open book. Sometimes people are just closed off, preferring to deal with their problems on their own, with no help from the outside world. That's definitely me. But...sometimes I wish I was a little more at ease with opening up, sometimes I wish there was someone who I could talk to when I need to vent. Sometimes I wish I had a best friend. Okay, that's enough of the secrets today. I feel like I've already broken one of my strongest cardinal rules. I can turn off the babble faucet now. Huh. Guess it seems weird that I would choose to disclose all this information in virtually an open letter to the world. Oh well. I guess any way is a good way.

Get on the floor and do the New Kids dance

Okay. So I'm aware that when I told people I had tickets to go see the New Kids on the Block reunion tour in Greenville, they probably thought I was pretty lame. Some even told me to my face. "The New Kids are old," they told me. "The concert is probably going to suck." Nevertheless, I was excited. Someone offered me tickets and I took them without hesitation. I called my cousin, Shanon, as soon as I found out to see if she wanted to go with me. Her response "Uh...yeah!" So went it. I was a little worried my friends were going to be right and it was going to be lame. After, the New Kids aren't exactly teenagers anymore. They're almost in their forties. I figured they'd sing a lot of their old songs and we'd reminisce. I was way wrong. They put on an amazing concert. It totally exceeded my expectations. Shanon and I were on our feet, screaming like 12-year-old girls all night long. We even staked out the tour buses after the show in the off-chance that they'd ask us to go on tour with them. It was one of the best concerts I've ever been to. Highlight of this year, definitely. Even more than that, they had an awesome opening act. The Jabbawockeez, of America's Best Dance Crew fame, were there and totally rocked the house. Their routine made me want to learn how to spin on my head. I always thought those dance moves were altered via television magic, but they are 100% real. I loved every minute of it. Then the New Kids took the stage and I suddenly forgot how old I was. They sang plenty of their old songs and threw in a few new songs in the mix. I was very impressed and just might have to go to another NKOTB concert in the near future.

Leaving the Nest

I've been doing a lot of examining my life lately. I'll be graduating (finally!) in a little over a year and then I'll be thrust into the world of adulthood. So I'm starting to think about what that means and how my life is going to change. Okay, apart from the obvious-I'll have to get a real job and move out of my parents' house-my life is going to be completely turned upside down. Especially since I'm already planning my exodus from this city as soon as the diploma is in my hands. The plan is to apply to the Boards of Education in and around the Atlanta area and pray something opens up. That means, "Bye-bye, Augusta. Hello, new city!" My parents aren't big fans of this plan. If my dad had his way, I would work safely in a Columbia County school and stay living in the same bedroom I've lived in since I was five-years-old. If my mom had her way, I would get married to some guy she approves of and have grandchildren while living within walking distance. Neither one of them are too happy to hear of my own plan to hit the ground running as soon as I graduate. It's not that I'm planning to leave Augusta because I want to get away from my parents. That couldn't be further from the truth. I lucked out in the parental department. My parents are two of the most amazing people on the planet. I count my lucky stars the Lord gave me such a wonderful set of parents to be raised by. The reason I want to leave Augusta is because I think this city has given me everything it can. I feel like there's nothing left for me here. I want to truly stand on my own two feet for the first time in my life. I am a fiercely independent person by nature, but it's hard to see how independent I can truly be when my parents are a phone call away. My dad changes the oil in my car, pays my cell phone bill, and does my taxes. My mom cooks dinner for me, folds my laundry, and buys my clothes. In a word, I'm kind of spoiled. I've never really thought of myself as spoiled before. I've always thought that spoiled girls were the kind of girls on MTV's My Sweet Sixteen. You know, the girls living in these huge houses with a brand-new luxury car and Daddy's credit card in their Coach purses. That is so not me. I grew up in the south side of town, referred to "South Augusta," which comes with its own negative connotation. My parents aren't wealthy...well, monetarily anyway. But I am slightly spoiled. In the fact that I can't cook and I have no idea how to change a tire. Why should I have to? My parents have always provided for me in those ways. That is exactly why I want to head to a new city after I graduate. So I can stretch my wings and learn what true independence is. So I can make my own mistakes and have to clean up my own mess. The summers I spent in Daytona on Beach Project and in South Africa on CCP have given me a glimpse into what my life could like once I move out and have my own life. It's exciting. Okay, yes, it's a little scary, but isn't that what life is all about? The exciting paired with the scary? I'm sure it won't be easy and I might not be as positive about this plan the closer it gets, but I'm confident I have someone on my side who will get me there: the Lord. God has plans for me, "to prosper [me] and not to harm [me], to give [me] hope and a future." God is preparing a way for me and even if I do pack up and head to Atlanta in the near future, He's going to protect me. Because that's what He promised. 

What True Love Really Is

I must air my grievances about tonight's episode of The Bachelor. It was the season finale and, while it should have been a celebration of an engagement, the happiness quickly wore off and left me depressed and angry. On the "After the Final Rose" special, Jason decided to dump Melissa on NATIONAL TELEVISION and chose the other girl. Although Melissa was my favorite from the very beginning, I really didn't care who he chose. I liked Molly, too. I thought either girl would be a great fit and Jason would have been a lucky guy. I am, however, incredibly put-off about how the events happened. Okay, so I read the blogs and watched the videos Reality Steve made. I knew well in advance what was going to happen. That doesn't mean that it sat well with me. Here's the gist: Jason chose Melissa during the finale and then dumped her six weeks later to give it a go with Molly. What I am truly upset about is why Jason chose to do this on national television. They kept saying how they kept the set intimate because of the "sensitive nature of the events". Okay, then why show it to 15 million people around the country? The guy should be ashamed of himself. Word on the street is that it was always Molly, but the producers of the show thought Melissa would be the better story. I heard they paid Jason to pick Melissa, only to break up with her for Molly later. If that's the truth, he's scum and so are the producers of The Bachelor. It just goes to show that what the world thinks is real love is just an illusion, a myth. True love is constant, never changing. The world thinks they can bottle up real love and sell it on reality television. The only real love this world needs is the Father. God is the only true love there is. And when He has His hand in your life and your marriage, that's when you'll have your happy ending.

Snow Day

This is the difference of living in Georgia: just the slightest chance of winter weather and we're cleaning out our grocery stores and canceling school the next day. I can't remember the last time Richmond County actually experienced snow that stuck and got us out of school. I think I was in high school. The entire city iced over just a few years ago and that earned us some days off. My house lost power and we had to move in with my grandparents for a few days. That's as bad as it gets around here. Come summertime we're sweltering because of the humidity and come winter we're crossing our fingers praying for a miracle. It makes me laugh. No matter how many times we've been disappointed during the cold season, no matter how many times the weatherman has promised snow that doesn't show up, we still think it will happen and are truly let down when it doesn't. Tonight looks like the closest we've been in awhile. Schools are already beginning making announcements. The weatherman promises snow and ice after midnight. I guess we'll wait and see.

Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window

Okay. For the rest of 2009, I rule that the family drama be kept at a minimum. It seems like it's been months since we've been truly out of the woods. Since Justin got diagnosed, it seems like it's been one thing after another. I'm hoping it will be smooth sailing for the next few months. I know God presents these situations to better us and that we should praise Him in the storm. I get that part. I believe that part. I just think my family needs a little breather. We need a break. That's not too much to ask, is it? ... Look at me. Here I am complaining when there are people in this world dealing with much harder stuff. My aunt's friend just found out she has terminal cancer, just days after her mother died. My cousin and her husband are facing a setback in their adoption process. The drama my family is dealing with is nowhere near that extreme. Okay, yes, my mom's thing could have been bad if they hadn't caught it. But they did and she's fine. And Justin's health is major, but he's got it under control and he's doing really well. Our issues are things that can be fixed. We have nothing to complain about. We have a wonderful Savior who loves us and carries us through the hardships. And we have each other. That's one thing I've learned a lot about recently, my family. I have the greatest family in the world. My family members are some of my favorite people in the world. My immediate family has always been close, but lately I've gotten a lot closer to some of my cousins. Cousins I thought I had nothing in common with are suddenly people I communicate with in one way or another every day. I used to go weeks without seeing them and now I have withdrawals. You know the saying: "Where God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window"? I think that applies to my life these past few months. Yes, God has tried my family a lot, but He has brought us each other. And for that, I think it was worth it.

Here Comes the Hard Stuff

Ever heard the expression "When it rains, it pours?" I think that's a perfect way to explain all the family drama going on these days. I almost saw it coming. I've been in such a good place lately, it seemed like it was all too good to be true. Like something was bound to fall apart. Well, today has not been that great as far as my family goes. And it was my mother's birthday. We were supposed to be celebrating, but instead I find myself snapping into the role of dutiful daughter. My mom had a routine eye appointment today. She had laser surgery in both eyes a little over seven years ago to correct diabetic retinopathy. As far as diabetic complications go, hers have been very limited. The retinopathy has really been all. We thought it was all behind us. And then her doctor found bleeding in her right eye and she has to have another laser surgery this week. I'm so thankful she went to the doctor today because, otherwise, they wouldn't have seen it. Retinopathy left untreated can lead to blindness. So I can definitely see God's presence already in this situation. I just feel like she's dealt with her fair share of illness these past few weeks. First with her finger that led to surgery and a four-day hospital stay and now this. She really needs a few weeks to be healthy. Hopefully, we'll get this taken care of Thursday and she can start to heal and truly celebrate her 49th year of life. And then there's my cousin, Shanon. For the past year or so, my cousin and her husband have been going through the adoption process: saving their money in hopes that they will adopt a baby from Russia sometime in the near future. So far, everything has gone fairly smoothly. They have trusted the Lord in it all and He has guided them through. Then today they found out that the home study agency they've been using is on a list sent from Russia that they will not accept. I don't know the extent of what this means yet, but it's not a step forward. They will most likely be out the money, which they cannot afford to lose right now, and have to take a few steps back to begin the home study again. I know it's incredibly frustrating for them. It is for me, an outsider looking in. I've watched them struggle through this year and I want this so bad for them. They are going to be fantastic parents and they deserve it so badly. We all truly believe God has His hand on this and He will lead them through the hard stuff. There's a story in the Bible where Jesus is in a boat with His disciples and a bad storm comes up on them. There's a verse that says, "He carried them through to the other side." God never promised us life would be easy. We all have our hardships, no doubt. But He promised us we would never have to go it alone. He promised He would take us through to the other side, see us through the hard times. I choose to see these family issues as a test of faith, to see how much we are truly depending on the Lord. That's the definition of faith anyway, right? Forsaking all I TRUST Him. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but the Lord is with us. Enough said.  

He Keeps Me Singing

I've adopted a new outlook on life recently and people have been asking me what's up with my newfound positivity. I don't really have an answer. It's not anything I did myself. It's totally been God. I've been praying for God to be more than enough for me and, as it turns out, I'm starting to believe it. These past few days, I've been happier and more carefree than I've been in a very long time. It has to be a God thing because nothing in my life has really changed. I'm just choosing to stay positive. I'm seeing all these Facebook and Twitter updates with people complaining about their lives and how they're feeling and I just realized how much of a drag that is. I am, by no means, innocent of this. I'm one of the biggest complainers I know. Which is exactly why I'm trying to look on the bright side. Because my life could be so much worse and it's not. And truly, God is more than enough for me. So because of this new mantra on life, I've been a lot lighter and more confident than I've been in years. I just don't see the point of wasting what little time on earth I have moping and feeling sorry for myself. Life's too short not to laugh and have fun. And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me next. I know that whatever it is, He has my best interest at heart and He will lead me through.

This Week

Waking up this morning it suddenly hit me the enormous amount of work I have to do. But it's all good. I'd rather be busy moving around than sitting still bored to death. Being under stress makes me work harder, as weird as that might sound. The yard sale is in T-minus five days. It's beginning to take on a life of its own. So many amazing people have rallied around to make this experience the best ever. God is in complete control of everything and I cannot wait to see what He does this Saturday. We've even had someone offer a carnival-like popcorn machine to sell popcorn to customers. So many people want to be a part of this, to see Shanon and Benji realize their dream of being parents. It's an awesome thing to watch. I also have a ton of schoolwork to get through and I still need to conquer Livetext. I still don't understand why hard copies are unacceptable, but thankfully I have found someone who will help me through this process. I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed, but the mother of a friend of mine has graciously offered her expert services. Now I just have to get through the longest day ever tomorrow and a presentation I don't quite understand on Thursday and I'll be home free. 

The yard sale is quickly approaching!

A little over a week until the Adoption Yard Sale and there's so much to do. I've never had to organize something like this before and it's a little overwhelming. I'm hoping the organization skills I've spent years developing will come in handy. My anal retentiveness has to be good for something, right? I continue to be blown away by all of the support we've gotten already. There are so many people wanting to donate things and even just show up to help. They'll never know how much this means to our family. I know Benji and Shanon have been completely humbled by all of this. Never in their wildest dreams did they imagine the outpour of support they would be given. This yard sale is a pleasure to do for them. They're family. We look out for our own. I've been lucky enough to watch this whole process and it's been amazing to see how God is crafting it all together. It's one of those things you can just see the Lord's hand on the whole thing. I am very excited for Benji and Shanon. They are going to be amazing parents and I can't wait to meet the new addition to our family.

 

A New President

We have a new President today. I just watched Barack Obama being sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. It almost seems unreal watching the moment unfold in front of me. It was only roughly 60 years ago that African Americans were fighting for equality in the public school system. Now we have a black man as the highest-ranking government official in this country. And while I don't agree with his politics and I didn't actually vote for him, I still recognize the huge step in equal opportunity this creates. Now when mothers of every race tell their children, "You can be whatever you want to be," they can truly mean it. I really hope this is a positive step this country is taking. We're in a time of crisis right now and we need a strong, capable leader to step up and do the job right. I hope that despite all of our differences of opinion, President Obama can pull us together as one nation under God. I just don't understand all the fanfare. We've elected Presidents forty-three times before in this country and not one of them has received as much press coverage as the one who was just sworn into office. Obama has become this huge celebrity and that scares me a bit. Can this country really afford to have someone with such celebrity status as our leader? Celebrities are supposed to be the plastic, shallow, liberal people who live in Hollywood. They're not supposed to be Senators or Presidents. Obama's face is everywhere. On t-shirts, magazine covers. You can't watch a newscast without seeing his face. It just seems to be too much for someone who is only human. He can't walk on water, he didn't find the cure for cancer. He's fallible. He's capable of making mistakes. He'll probably make a few during his Presidency. I just pray that he's turning to the Lord. That he will put running this country in God's hands and that when he says "God bless America," he truly means it.

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

So the entire city is gearing up for a possible snow day tomorrow. But let's face reality for just a minute. How many times have we been hopeful for a snow day only to have it fall just beyond our reach? We live in the South, people. Snow doesn't make it down to these parts very often. Which is why, though it seems a little excessive, the entire city is waiting with anticipation for the first snowfall in a year. It snowed briefly last winter, but the flakes didn't even stick. Okay, so we get a little excited when we see the snow fall, but we're not used to it. So call us crazy, but we're going to continue to anticipate snow days as long as there's a chance.

To getting my hands dirty...

I'm having one of those nights where I want to be anywhere but here. I wish I could pinpoint to an exact circumstance, but I can't. It's everything in my life, really. I think I'm slowly going crazy. School is...well, overwhelming. I have an incredible amount of work to do and very little time to get it all done in. That plus the fact that I'm plagued with chronic procrastination means everything will come out jumbled. Then there's work. My jobs are fairly under control. That's not the problem. The problem is there are two of them and that means very little "me-time". And then  there's everything else. Friends sucking the life out of me, brothers frustrating me, boys confusing me, and technology playing tricks on me. It can take a toll on a person. Tonight I'm to the point where I just want to fast-forward to next May and move on to the next phase of my life. Far, far, far away from here. Because I really think Augusta has done all it can for me. And the best of me is lying somewhere out there. I just have to find it. I know I'd be leaving a lot behind. My family, for one. My family is what has held me here for so long. If I wasn't so attached to my mom, I would have left the city limits a long time ago. I don't want them to feel like my exodus has anything to do with them. It doesn't. My breaking out of here is about me and that's it. I feel like I'm constantly having to give pieces of myself away. I have all these people coming to me with their issues and it's sucking the life out of me. I want to do something one-hundred percent for myself, without thinking about what other people would think about it. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I really think I deserve one moment of selfishness. Ugh. Who knows. I could feel completely different in a few months. I just don't want to sit still anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in this pit and I'm aching to get out. It's time to step out on blind faith and know that God has this amazing plan for my life. And if I fall flat on my face, so what? Life is about living and learning. You have to make mistakes to find something that works. And, if the Lord allows me to, that's what my plan is to do. To make mistakes, to get my hands dirty, to do what I've been called to do. It's a new year, after all. 

Two of my favorite people in the whole world

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"Some boast in chariots, some in horses, but we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God."

Psalm 20:7

Because in today's society, we put too much emphasis on the things of the world. When we stop depending on ourselves and start putting all of our trust in the Lord, that's what real faith is all about.

Answered Prayers

Today has been one of those days I can literally see God answering prayers. Some days I find myself scratching my head, wondering what God is doing, but today I can see things falling into place. First and foremost, my mother got released from the hospital. She had a brief stay after a surgery on her finger. It might seem a little extreme, a four-day hospital stay over an infected finger, but it was more because the antibiotics the doctor prescribed were very aggressive and only available via an IV. This morning, Justin and I got to take her home, on Justin's 22nd birthday of all days. Then my brother got good news regarding his school. He had to take the semester off from school last year after his diabetes diagnosis. The doctors wanted to make sure he could adjust to his new lifestyle without the added pressures of college. As Justin was trying to register for classes for this semester, some of the financial aide stuff got messed up and he was thinking he wasn't going to have money to go to school. But, thankfully, the financial aide came through today and he can resume classes Monday. And then there's me. I got some bad news regarding school in November and ended up having to file an appeal for admittance into the Teacher Education program. This afternoon I got the call that made me breathe a little easier. My appeal was approved and I am one step closer to graduating. I had myself convinced it wasn't going to happen, but it did. My job hours will shift a little and some things will have to change, but those are small prices to pay to finish with school. I just have to go tomorrow to complete the process and I am ready to start class Wednesday. It's such a neat thing to watch everything unfold so nicely. My family has seen our fair share of bad luck this year and it's a breath of relief to see the tide begin to turn. And I know that is only because the Lord is good and He watches over His flock. Even when I go kicking and screaming, I know God's will for my life is greater than anything I could have planned on my own. Now that school is getting squared away and Mom is on her way to recovery, 2009 can really begin and I look forward to what it has in store.

Mom's Finger

Hospital Stay

It's not like I don't know and understand all the risks that come with diabetes. Believe me, if there was ever a family more attune to diabetes, it would be mine. It's safe to say we have endured our fair share of medical drama this year. Now I'm writing this after a sleepless night at the hospital. It seems weird, all this fuss over a little finger, but I guess it's just a precaution. Diabetics always run the risk of loss of limb. They wanted to make sure they got the infection out and put her on some aggressive antibiotics before they let her go. Nights like last night bring the diabetes reality to the harsh light. My mom and grandmother have both had Type 1 diabetes for my entire life. Diabetes has just always been part of my life. It's as normal as breathing in my house. I know more about diabetes than I ever cared to. Then my little brother got diagnosed just a few months ago. It seems like diabetes has taken up residence in my family. I guess it could be worse. It's not like it's cancer or something like that. Diabetes is serious, but it's controllable. My mom and Mema and Justin are all living fairly normal lives. They only have to watch what they eat and drink a little more carefully than the rest of us. I don't know if whoever is reading this knows a lot about diabetes, but it's a disease that affects every organ in your body. Circulation is always a big problem. Wounds don't heal as fast as they should and blood doesn't circulate to the limbs like it should. That's why my mom's finger issue was a big deal. When the doctor did the surgery last night, the infection had spread into her joint. If it had gotten any worse, the possibility that she would lose her finger was there. It's because of her diabetes they admitted her into the hospital. The antibiotics they're using are a little more aggressive than normal. I'm just glad they are taking such good care of her. As soon as we can get through this, we'll put 2008's medical issues behind us and focus on having a better 2009.

Wishes on Stars

So I saw a shooting star tonight. How fitting that it's New Years Day. I've never put much stock in wishing on shooting stars, but I figured: what could it hurt? It's kind of a hopeful thing, making wishes on stars. Even if your wish doesn't come true, at least making the wish gives you hope. And sometimes hope is all we really need to make it through the day.